Larry Miller, not Carlin on Aging

Posted by admin on Oct 13, 2008 in Creative | 0 comments

Back in the late 1980’s I recorded a comedy bit by an up and coming comedian named Larry Miller.  Since then you’ve probably caught him in movies like Pretty Woman, Runaway Bride, Get Smart, etc.  The comedy bit he performed back then dealt with aging and was a hilarious take on the topic.  I recorded it on audio tape and actually borrowed it for a talent show (it brought down the house).  Today, I was forwarded an email going around that suggesting George Carlin performed it. Further online research showed me several sites crediting this bit to George Carlin.  A few sites that determine fact or fiction among these chain e-mails have correctly suggested that it was performed by Larry Miller, as well as the New York Times.  I pray I don’t get sued (I only post it here to dispel any the myth), but here is the complete bit as performed by Larry Miller…

You know we get older everyday. Do you realize that the only time in our lives we like to get old is when we’re a little kids. Do you understand that? If your less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging. You think in fractions…I’m four and a half…You’re never 36 and a half.

But you see, your four and a half, goin’ on 5. You see, that’s the key here. See, you’re “goin’ on.” You get into your teens. Now you’re so excited that you jump to the next number. How old are you? …I’m gonna be 16…You could be 12…but, your gonna be 16.

Then comes the greatest day of your life – You become 21. But you see, even the word sounds like a ceremony. You become 21…YES!…But you TURN 30. It makes you sound like bad milk. He turned…so we had to throw him out.

Now what changes? What’s different? You become 21, you turn 30, and then…your pushing 40. Stay over there! See how its all slipping away?

You become 21, you turn 30, your pushing 40, and then…you reach REACH 50. (“Sob”) My dreams are gone!

So then you become 21, you turn 30, your pushing 40, you reach 50…and you MAKE IT to 60. “Whew”…I didn’t think I’d make it.

So…you become 21, you turn 30, your pushing 40, you reach 50, you make it to 60 and by then you built up so much speed…(smack) you hit 70.

After that, it’s pretty much day by day. After that you hit Wednesday. When you get into your 80’s you hit lunch…It turned 4:30. My grandmother won’t even by green bananas.

When you get into your 90’s, you start going backwards…I was JUST 92.

And then folks…it’s an amazing thing…if you can make it over the age of 100, you become a little kid again. I’m 104 and a half.

So watch for these warning signs of aging. They can happen to you at any time. I don’t care how young you think you are.

Number one, you know your getting older when you find yourself buying a Volvo…not because its safe, but because you like the way it looks…Its a good, sensible car.

You know your getting old when you find yourself humming to elevator music. That’s a little frightening.

Here’s one that will sneak up on you. You know your getting old, when you find yourself on your own front lawn yelling a teenagers in cars. “Slow down…PUNK!”

You now you’re getting old, when you find yourself buying records on television. Yeah, laugh now! “Quick honey get the pen, this one has everything I like. It comes with boots and a comb. This one, this is a good one.”

And then the final step in the process folks, it happens to everyone. You’ll know you old then. Can you imagine the day…you’ll be having an argument with a kid of yours…and the kid will turn to you and say, “You just don’t understand.” “Whoa”, honey, wasn’t I cool once? I was pretty hip for a while, wasn’t I? And at that very second, the phone will ring and it will be your parents saying, “HA, HA.”